Nannies who join a family where the children have had many different carers, for any number of reasons, face unique challenges, as we saw in last month's issue.
So, you find yourself in such a family - what are you going to do about it?
Knowing a bit about the history up to now will help guide you in a sensible approach to supporting the children and addressing any problems from the outset. Your words and body language will give parents trust in your professionalism, even if you feel like you are being nosy. You could ask about the past situation by saying, 'It would help if I understood a bit more about...' or 'I'm trying to make sense of...' If your employers are very sensitive, you could start with, 'Please rest assured - I don't want to pry into your family business. But something has affected the children. I've noticed that...'
For example, Sarah, who is this family's sixth nanny in 18 months, feels the pressure from the parents within her first week. To reassure them, she offers to write short plans for meals, activities and outings. But then Sarah gets cross-questioned about why she changed minor details on the day, following the children's wishes and interests. By the beginning of her third week, Sarah asks to have a conversation with both parents. She explains that she enjoys being with their children. Then she continues, 'You both ask very searching questions about what I'm doing and why. I feel you find it hard to trust me. I need to ask - did something happen with a previous nanny?'
Supporting the children
As you get to know the children over the early days, you gain a better understanding of their feelings and the effect of past experiences.
* Tamara, for example, will need to reassure the children who think their nannies leave 'because nobody likes us'. She explains that nannies often leave for their own reasons. But Tamara avoids talking with the children about their parents' behaviour, although she feels they are really to blame for the turnover.
* Children need honesty. If they have had many changes, then they must not feel let down again. So, if your job is definitely temporary, tell them.
You might say, 'I explained to your mummy. I can only stay for three months, because then I'm moving to Australia. But I mean to have lots of super memories from my time with you both!'
* You form a personal relationship with children. As long as you follow their lead, it is fine to talk about events and feelings. When Pippa is told, 'We've had three homes since Daddy left', she replies, 'Three? That's quite a lot of moves. How do you feel about that?'
* Will reckons that the boys miss their grandparents. They lived with them for the last year - a long time for young children. The children's sense of loss about that move is more important than their earlier run of nannies.
Will heard the strong feelings in the father's explanation of why he and his wife changed their work - 'We wanted our children back.' So Will needs to be sensitive. But if he is going to create continuity now for the boys, it could be useful to have a conversation with their grandparents.
STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF
In some families, the nanny has to deal with a challenge from the children.
Rosie finds that the children, just like their parents, are coping with all the upheaval by idealising Lisa, their last nanny. Rosie wants to respect the children's feelings, and says, 'You sound like you miss Lisa. I do understand, you had to leave Lisa behind in Manchester.' The children echo their mother's phrase, 'When Lisa was our nanny...' But it is important that Rosie does not take it personally. She might say, 'I know Lisa was special to you. I hope soon I can feel special in my way.'
Of course, some children will push your patience to the limits. They want to see how much needling or confrontational behaviour you will tolerate. It can be hard, but you need to draw on your professionalism to give the children time and patience, as well as set appropriate boundaries for their behaviour.
Once you get a sense of their strategy, you might decide to call their bluff. You say, 'Eddie, I heard you tell your sister, "We'll get rid of her soon". You're right, I've got a limit to miserable days like yesterday. And what if you make me leave you - what then? I'm not ready to give up. I like you both and I think we could have a nice time. What can we do?'
Children may imitate their parents' dismissive outlook, and regard you as 'just the paid help'. (Even children fond of their nanny may struggle to understand that it is your job and you get paid for what seems like ordinary life to them.) You can challenge disrespect in a friendly way.
'Yes, of course your daddy pays me. How do you think I can buy my dinner otherwise? But I'm amazed to hear you say that looking after you isn't a "proper job". I think you and Daria are really important. Don't you think you're important?'
Working with the parents
As a nanny, your main focus is on the children, but you work within the whole family's home. It may feel difficult to broach problems. But you will resolve some, if you make time for an adult-to-adult conversation.
* Andrea suspects that the mother had used day nurseries before because she is uneasy about her children getting close to their carers. She thought day nurseries would be more like school and keep children at an emotional distance. Andrea needs to reassure this mother that children have plenty of affection to go around. She can also emphasise how much young children need to have a personal relationship, and that is why good nurseries have a key-person system.
* You cannot do your job unless parents trust you. You can be understanding up to a point, but then you need to address the issue. 'I appreciate that after what happened with Maria, you're uneasy about me taking the children on public transport. But Ciaran keeps talking about another visit to the children's theatre. He thinks it was his fault that Maria left him behind.'
* Of course you do not report back to parents every little comment from their children. But sometimes a nanny needs to confide in them sensitively.
For example, 'Did you realise that Josh believes that...' or, 'I should let you know that Sunil is still worried about....'
Children will benefit when you try hard to avoid further changes for them, especially those that are sudden or unexplained. You can establish familiar routines, especially if the children are too young to have regular times for nursery or school. Young children need to experience some stability, so they can predict what happens in their world. They will feel reassured if they know what is coming tomorrow and next week. You might even suggest to parents that a further change, such as starting nursery or pre-school, could be postponed for a couple of months until the children feel more settled.
Of course you cannot solve all problems. Nannies do not work within a structure where you can ask a colleague or manager for support. If your working circumstances remain dire, then you may need to move on. If at all possible, tell the parents your reason for giving in your notice. You could say, 'I believe you will keep losing nannies, if you encourage your children to be so rude to us', or 'I have done my very best. But I cannot continue in a post where the job description changes on a weekly basis.'
Whatever your reason for leaving, you should be professional in your final conversation. 'The next nanny will have trouble, unless you have a strong word with Caroline across the road. I've learned to deal with her. But Caroline still thinks she can tell your nanny to take her three children whenever it suits her.' It will help the parents in their relationship with their next nanny - and do your successor a favour too.
