When you are closely involved with children, you soon realise that they are very different individuals. You may be careful to behave in a fair way to each child in your charge. But daily experiences tell you that it would not work to try to act in exactly the same way.
Abigail has been nanny to Ethan since he was a toddler and to his sister Molly since she was born. Abigail swiftly learned that Ethan needed only a mild word from her to get him to resist the temptation of the biscuit tin or to stop teasing his pet rabbit. In contrast, his sister Molly seems to have pushed all the limits from the very beginning. Molly will continue to post items into the video or chase Thumper, unless Abigail says a very firm 'No', often backed up by holding Molly to ensure that she listens. Molly and Ethan have each shown a consistent pattern since very early childhood.
So were they born as such diverse personalities? Can they change at all?
What used to be called the 'nature-nurture debate' is rather dusty now.
Very few child psychologists would put it as a blunt either-or discussion.
But we have circled back from the views of a couple of decades ago that children were almost entirely influenced by their experience - the nurturing. The current view is that the core of our personal make-up is laid down in our genetic pattern. Nobody starts as a blank sheet; we are born with inclinations towards different temperaments.
But - and it is a big but - there is continued interaction between babies, young children and their parents and other carers, like nannies. The important, familiar adults react to minor differences in how even very young children react. Adult behaviour in turn influences the baby or child and shapes their responses. But they probably do not change dramatically in terms of the individual person whom you came to know when they were younger.
A study undertaken at King's College, London, followed up a group of 1,000 three-year-olds when they were 26 years of age. The different patterns that had been observed in the children were still very noticeable in early adulthood. The research suggests that it is worth addressing children's behaviour in early childhood, as some patterns are not 'just a phase'.
However, it would be inappropriate for anyone to try to change young children completely. Apart from being impossible, who is to say which temperament is the 'right' one? Our society needs a diversity of individuals. It would be just as dire if everyone were relentlessly outgoing, as it would if every person were very reserved. With friendly support and guidance, children learn that choices can be made in how they face childhood experiences. They can extend themselves a bit, try a slightly different approach and remain themselves. Children need to feel that they are genuinely liked for being the person they are.
The word temperament is often used to describe continuing personal tendencies in childhood. Differences in temperament have been described as: * Active-passive: some children are more physically vigorous than their peers, who may show more of a wait-until-it-comes-to-me attitude.
* Sociability: some children are more eager than others to initiate social contact while others may be more cautious and less outgoing.
* Wariness: some children have a greater tendency to be anxious or frightened when faced with new experiences. Others may take a 'look before I leap' approach.
* Strength of emotions - all children have to deal with a few frustrations within daily life. But some react dramatically to what seem to be minor events.
* Effort and persistence - even allowing for realistic expectations for their age, some children seem to find it very hard to persevere through distractions.
You may notice these kinds of differences in the children for whom you are responsible day to day. Good practice as a nanny is to be even-handed in how you react. You too have a temperament, although the word 'personality'
is often used for adults.
For example, the previous nanny for Grace's family confided in her that 'Alex is exhausting - like a non-stop party'. But Grace is delighted with his outgoing and lively nature; Alex's temperament fits well with her preferences.
Yet, Grace was relieved to have a good reason to move on from taking care of Matt. As hard as she tried, Grace found herself thinking of Matt as 'such a half-empty bottle kind of child'. Matt seemed so keen to find the downside of any situation. Grace could see that much of Matt's disheartening take on life reflected his mother's readiness to be disappointed in her hopes. But the upbeat views of Matt's father seemed scarcely to dent the gloom of 'it's all gone wrong - no surprise to me!'
As an experienced nanny, Grace was aware of the possibility of match or mismatch between the temperaments of children and their main carer. You and a child may find it easy to get along or you may constantly rub each other up the wrong way. A mismatch is certainly not all the adult's fault.
Sometimes it takes real effort to find the smooth side of a child whose approach to life is different from your own. But adults are responsible for taking a mental step back and finding the way through a less than easy relationship.
* Be aware of how you prefer to organise your day and week. Will certain temperaments be a better fit, because these children are more like you? Perhaps Tammy experiences your high level of organisation as an imposition - why can't you be spontaneous! Yet Jamal is reassured; he has no wish to 'go with flow' and wants his expectations carefully managed.
* Mismatches can blend with gender assumptions about temperament. For example, some adults might be concerned about Ethan, ready to label him as 'too compliant - a boy should have more go in him!' On the other hand, Molly may be seen as 'too wilful - you don't expect that from a little girl'.
As a considerate and observant nanny, you can acknowledge a child's inclinations by temperament and still take the opportunities to stretch that child's options. For instance: * Charlotte gives full expression to anything that she feels. She will not be helped by regular instructions to 'calm down' or 'stop taking things to heart'. Charlotte will feel misunderstood, or think there is something wrong with her. Her nanny can acknowledge Charlotte's emotions with, 'I'm glad you let me know how upset you are about Teddy going missing. But Charlotte, it's not okay to shout that somebody must have "stolen" him.'
* Matt, whose expectations are rarely fulfilled, might be helped with the visual image of the half-empty or half-full bottle. His parents and new nanny need to acknowledge that 'he really wishes that...' But Matt could also be helped to find a middle way between 100 per cent gloom and 100 per cent fantastic.
It is unfair of adults to label children for their temperament. Even apparent compliments can close children's options. A child who has a 'lovely sunny disposition' does not want the burden of always having to be jolly. But sometimes, families have taken labelling to the level of typecasting, with a child fixed in a family drama, complete with roles and script. Four-year-old Joshua may have a short fuse, but he will not be helped if his mother's reaction is saying anxiously, 'He's my brother David all over again and look at the mess he's caused'.
Scenario Both Holly and Jacob have been labelled as 'over-cautious, shy' children in the past. Their nannies meet socially with the children. The adults'
conversation highlights how their preferred approaches have resulted in very different experiences for the two children.
* Holly's nanny has taken a no-nonsense approach to this child's wariness.
Her nanny refuses to speak up for her in social situations, even when Holly is close to tears, on the grounds that 'she has to learn'. Holly has been enrolled in a dance class that she hates and she is having nightmares about the end-of-term show.
* Jacob's nanny has created small steps for Jacob to gain confidence in activities that he wants to manage, like buying items in the local shop.
Jacob now has more of a sense of 'I can'. He suggests a day by day plan of how he could get to the top of the big climbing frame in the play park by himself.
