It must be the most difficult position for a nanny to be in. You started the job months, or even years ago with high hopes; the parents were positive and the children were happy. They had their ups and downs, like all families, but managed to muddle through. But there seemed to come a point where the arguments and silences took a more serious turn. Now your employers have decided to separate. What will it mean for the children - and for you?
David Spellman is a chartered clinical psychologist working with children and families for the NHS in Lancashire. He agrees that being a live-in nanny in this situation must be enormously difficult. Officially, a nanny is not a member of the family but an employee, with all the formality of a contract of employment, job expectations and regular wages. 'Yet you may be loved like a member of the family,' he says. And, of course, a nanny who is loved can't help but feel emotionally tied.
A particularly challenging time for the nanny comes just before or after the parents' separation, when feelings of bitterness and anger are at their height. Although every parent in this situation thinks he or she has the child's best interests at heart and is putting them first, it is almost impossible for each parent not to somehow 'blame' the other for what has happened. 'The important thing is ... that neither parent is the good one or the bad one,' wrote the famous childcare expert Dr Spock. 'This is the hardest rule for the parents to abide by.'
Nannies must take care they are not used as 'pawns' in this game. 'A nanny might be told not to take the children to Daddy's, when that is what had been arranged,' says David Spellman. 'She might feel she can't say no, as that would mean risking her job. But later she will have to explain to the other parent, and then her position could be horrendous. It's not really divorce or separation of parents which causes children most damage - it's the ongoing conflict between parents, even after a divorce, around contact arrangements.'
Mr Spellman thinks a confident nanny, with some knowledge of the conflicting emotions which the children in her care are experiencing, can do them a great deal of good while all this is going on. 'She can act as a gentle reminder to parents about their children's needs. She can counteract the worst feelings, and she can insulate the children from the worst moments. What helps kids more than anything else is enduring relationships, having a "rock" to turn to in times of trouble. Once it has been decided and parents have told the children, a nanny could reassure them that although Mummy and Daddy aren't going to live together any more this does not mean they stop loving their children.'
But just because children understand what is happening, they may not always feel better quickly. It takes time. Time, hopefully, is something that their nanny can give them. Knowing the children intimately, she can use explanations and words that are appropriate to their ages, and that she knows the children will respond to as individuals.
David Spellman adds, 'As a nanny you also need to look after yourself. If you don't get emotional support and, if necessary, professional advice, the powerful emotional conflicts that are going on in your workplace can take their toll on you. Obviously, you'll be much better placed to meet the emotional needs of the children if you look after your own needs too.'
Case study: 'Daddy doesn't love me anymore'
Four months into NNEB Sarah Quennell's job in the Wiltshire countryside, the parents told her they had decided to separate. Dad moved into nearby Salisbury, leaving his wife and children in the main house. 'I'd hardly seen the father at all, during those first months,' says Sarah. 'There hadn't been any obvious arguments. He worked in London and only came home at weekends.' It was a terrible time for the mother, although 14-month-old Jess and seven-year-old Tom seemed to take the news well. 'Jess was so young, she wasn't that bothered, and Tom didn't say much either.'
Some weeks later, however, the children's grandfather died. 'I came downstairs in the middle of the night and there was Tom, crying his eyes out in the kitchen. He said the whole world was falling apart and that his dad didn't love him. There wasn't a lot I could say. I just gave him a big hug and said that sometimes these things happen.'
Sarah was to stay in that job for another four years. She became a vital presence for the children. 'I was the only permanent, constant person in their lives. Mum worked full-time and had to go away quite a lot, and the father would come and babysit during the week. He'd also have them at weekends and for a night or two during the week. At first, Jess never wanted to go with her dad as she didn't really recognise him, but we got over that by talking about dad coming, and making it a really exciting event. As she grew older and saw that her brother wanted to go, then Jess wanted to go too!' But compared with his sister, Tom adjusted slowly. 'He bottled things up - then he'd explode and have a terrible temper tantrum.'
The initial break-up over, it took some months to restore order to the children's lives. During that time Sarah became a friend and confidante of their mother, to an extent which she believes would never have happened had the parents remained together. 'In a way I took the father's place,' she remembers. 'Mum and I would have dinner together, she would tell me about her day and we would discuss the children.'
More tensions developed two years later when the mother remarried and wanted to move out of the area completely. 'Their dad didn't want them to go and mum still couldn't hide her anger at their father and his girlfriend. She wanted to take the children away and they were keen to go.
Tom had some awful tantrums while they were arguing about it, but as soon as it was decided that they wouldn't be leaving after all, he completely calmed down. But he still used to dream about his parents getting back together.'
Once regular access arrangements were sorted out and the children settled into routines, Sarah says, their lives grew much more positive. She only considered leaving once both children were in full-time school, and still keeps in touch. 'The most difficult part of the job was staying neutral between the mum and dad. I felt angry with the father because of what he'd done to Tom, but I couldn't show it. I also had to watch what I said in front of either parent, as they could change it around to mean something else, and I'd end up in the middle! But I'm really glad I could be there for the children.'
Family names have been changed
