There will always be some sources of distress or loss within family life.
Even those who experience a happy and secure childhood will still have some troubles. As a nanny, you are part of family life in a more intimate way than even the closest day nursery practitioner. Nannies are one of the household, so dealing with any feelings of loss for children will be part of your role. Of course, nannies need to reflect on the boundaries to that role and what is not your direct responsibility.
So, what kind of loss might children experience?
D Four-year-old Liam says to Mark, his nanny, 'Every time I have a friend in my nursery, they go away.' Marcus responds to Liam's words and his sad expression and asks, 'How do you mean, Liam, your friends go away?' Mark then hears how Liam has made three close friends since starting nursery and the family of each of these children has moved out of the area. Liam is upset at losing his friends, in the most recent case with no warning at all. He now fears that this pattern is normal life.
D Kate has worked as a daily nanny with her current family for two years.
Previously only the children's father travelled a great deal for the family business. Recently the pattern of their business has changed and both parents have needed to be away together for projects. Kate has been happy to adjust her hours to give occasional overnight cover. Her concern is that five-year-old Fiona and seven-year-old Ben are finding it hard to deal with the absence of both their parents.
Some families experience a permanent loss through bereavement. It may be the death of a pet - an experience that can distress adults as well as children. But some experience the death of a grandparent, even of a baby.
Early years practitioners can be reluctant to consider this possibility.
But it is real and it could happen within a family for whom you work.
D Pippa has worked with her current family throughout the serious illness of the four-year-old twins' much-loved Granma, their father's mother. After returning from taking the twins to nursery, Pippa is told that their grandmother died in hospital the previous night. The parents now talk with Pippa to get some idea of how best to handle the situation with Harry and Tanya. What do children of the twins' age really understand?
Your role as a nanny with children is to respond warmly to what they want to tell you. In any situation of distress or potential loss, you need to listen to what children want to tell you, or are trying to. For example, Mark will support Liam by listening to this young boy's sadness and taking seriously his worry that no friendship will ever last. Mark can say honestly to Liam that friends do not always disappear. But Mark may be aware that the family live in an urban neighbourhood where quite a few families aim to leave the city. Mark cannot promise that no other family will move home. Another nanny might work in a neighbourhood where many breadwinners are in jobs that require movement.
As the nanny, Mark needs to think about sharing what Liam has said with his employer. He might say, 'You know, Liam, your mummy and I have been a bit worried about you. You didn't seem to be enjoying nursery so much. Is this why you've had your sad face a lot?' Liam nods agreement and then Mark suggests, 'I think your mummy would like to know that. How about you tell her when she comes back from work?'
A child's messages about a sense of loss may come direct, through their words. But under some circumstances children's behaviour, including their play, will communicate as well as, or more effectively than, what they say.
Kate has been uncertain whether to be honest with her employers about how much Fiona and Ben miss their parents. But after their temporary absence of only a few days, the homecoming is frequently hard. Both children greet their mother and father with delight that swiftly turns to tears. Fiona in particular wants to tell her mother everything that has gone wrong in her absence. Kate has noticed that Ben's drawings often include little waving figures and he plays 'going away' a lot with his cars.
Kate decides to talk with both parents and starts by acknowledging, 'I know these projects are important for your business. But I've been thinking - is there any way we can help Fiona and Ben feel more in contact when you are both away?' The parents initially find the conversation hard and the father reacts, 'You're their nanny. You should make sure they don't get upset.'
Kate replies, 'Yes, of course I have things organised to help keep their minds off missing you. Fiona and Ben like me, but they love you. It's different.' Kate and her employers agree that Fiona and Ben could leave messages on their mother's mobile as well as wait for their parents' usual evening phone call. They also decide to offer the children the option to send some messages or drawings by fax. Kate makes a mental note to ensure that these are not too heart-rending.
As an experienced nanny, Pippa is aware that young children, up to about four or five years of age, struggle to grasp the finality of death. Since she has been directly asked for her opinion, Pippa advises her employers to be honest with Harry and Tanya and tell them as soon as they come back from nursery. When pressed for any ideas about exactly what to say, Pippa stresses that there is no perfect form of words, and children sometimes need to be told several times. She suggests an explanation such as, 'You know that Granma has been very ill. The doctors did their best. But the illness was too strong for her and she died last night.' The children's father has read of advice to tell children that dying is like falling asleep. Pippa carefully says that is unwise, because children can be anxious about going to bed, thinking that they will fail to wake up.
Pippa's warm support is needed when the children's father is taken aback by Harry's first reaction. On hearing that Granma is dead, Harry asks, 'Are we still going to the seaside next week?' But the seaside trip was a regular event that included his Granma. The outing had been postponed when she went into hospital for the last time. Pippa suggests that, if the parents can manage it, the trip should go ahead and it will provide a way for the children to talk about their Granma and happy memories.
Pippa does not intrude on the family's grief but ensures that she is attentive to anything Harry and Tanya want to say. Tanya starts to talk about mummies in general, having worked out that if daddy's mummy can die, then can my mummy die too? Pippa reassures Tanya that most people live until they are much older than her mother. Pippa lets her employer know about what was discussed, because she thinks Tanya should have this kind of conversation with her mother.
As a nanny you will be close to events that acquaint children with loss and you can help a great deal.
* Offer a friendly ear and comfort to parents and liaise about supporting their children.
* Let parents know that children may react to family upheaval or loss by developmental regression, for example in their speech or skills of self-care. But this backwards step is not inevitable.
* Depending on the loss, it can be wise to let the children's nursery, playgroup or school know what has happened, so those practitioners are not left to wonder about a child's sadness or distraction.
* Children sometimes find it helpful to approach different kinds of loss through a story book and you could look for one in the local library.
* There can be a delay in reaction, even to the loss of a much-loved pet. A child who seems to have forgotten about the death of Tommy the cat may show panic when her brother becomes mildly ill.
Practitioners often feel uneasy about what to do in the face of loss through bereavement. These two organisations offer helpful advice, leaflets you can download and ideas about books to read with children: * Cruse Bereavement Care, general information 020 8940 4818, helpline 0870 167 1677, www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
* The Child Bereavement Trust, helpline 0845 357 1000, www.childbereavement.org.uk.
So, what kind of loss might children experience?
