Imagine the scene. t's a Monday morning. You are running late. It's time to go and your three-year-old has only managed to put on one shoe. The problem is that your child is in a perpetual state of slow motion. You grab his coat. So what happens next?
The odds are that you will become your child's valet. It's quicker and, of course, less hassle. And it's probably the right thing to do as a 'one-off'. The difficulty comes when parents get into the habit of being their child's personal servant - an easy trap to fall into and one that, as we will see, does not actually help children in the long run. So how much should children be doing and how does this benefit them?
My own starting point when thinking about young children is to remember that they do not have to be totally helpless. My great-grandmother, a child of her time, was drafted into the kitchen and was plucking chickens before the age of five. While, happily, your child does not have to manage such endeavours, they do need to be fairly competent by the time they get to school.
They need to be able to dress themselves, including putting on and fastening shoes, feed themselves and go to the toilet unassisted. They also need to know how to tidy up properly and generally help out with whatever is asked of them (see below).
To get to there does require practice and it also requires that we as parents have sufficiently high expectations of our children. The good news is that if you can get your child to this point, not only will it help them make the transition to school, but it will also help them in other important ways.
CONFIDENCE
One of the major benefits for children of being able to do things unaided is that they gain significantly in confidence. This is because when children learn to do things for themselves, they develop an internal model of thinking positively about their potential - an 'I can do' approach. This way of thinking is very important because during their school years, children need every ounce of confidence to cope with some quite difficult tasks, such as learning to read.
WORK ETHIC
As well as gaining in confidence, children who are encouraged to help out and manage their own care are also developing a good work ethic. By tidying up toys or taking a lunch box to the sink, your child is doing a little 'work'. It does not have to be much, but it is an important step to developing a work ethic.
HAND SKILLS
It may seem surprising, but self-care and household tasks can really develop children's hand skills. Efforts such as dressing or folding clothes promote hand-eye co-ordination. This, in turn, will help your child's handwriting.
STARTING CHILDREN OFF
While children can learn the practical skills of self-reliance, it does take time and practice. Choose times to show your child new skills when you are not in a mad rush. Make them sound important, and praise your child for 'having a go'.
Once your child has mastered a skill, build it into the daily or weekly routine. Let your childminder or nursery know as well. This is because consistency is self-fulfilling. Once children realise that everyone expects them to, for example, take their own coat off, they will just get on with it.
Find out, too, what your child is able to do elsewhere. This is often an eye-opener. You may find out that in the nursery or school, your child happily tidies away puzzles and magically copes with the toilet without any help!
Finally, remember that praise and acknowledgement are also crucial. Children will have days when they are tired and will need that little bit of extra encouragement to get on and do something by themselves.
TOP TIPS
- - Allow extra time so that your child can help.
- - Remember that children will need to keep practising skills.
- - Make it clear when a task is 'non optional' and do not enter into negotiation.
- - If you have more than one child, give each child a separate and regular task.
- - Praise children and be encouraging.
- - Turn off television or anything that acts as distraction.
READY FOR SCHOOL?
Below are examples of self-care tasks that are important for your child to master.
- - Can get a tissue and blow their own nose
- Is able to find their own coat and belongings
- Is able to dress and undress quickly for PE
- Can go to the toilet and manage without any help
- Is able to manage a tray in a canteen or a packed lunch
- Can eat using knife and fork or other appropriate utensils
- Can pour own drink from a jug
- Is able to put toys and equipment away neatly
- Is able to play without needing an adult joining in
CASE STUDY
'My husband and I come from quite large families. When we got together, we agreed that we would have a small family. We liked the idea of having more time for our children than our parents had. But we also agreed that it would be important for the children to help around the house in the way that both of us had done in our own childhoods.
'Josh is now five and Maisy is three. While they both have their moments, they are pretty good at helping out. They both have a go at making their own beds and are pretty good at tidying up. Josh washes his lunchbox every day and is also our chief grater of cheese. And Maisy is in charge of delivering clean laundry to the right rooms (under supervision!).
'What is good is that both of them like helping out. I think that this is because we all do it together. We often stick a CD on and sing as we are doing things. We don't ever give the children money for helping, but we do praise them.
'When I see other children who don't help out, I feel quite sad for them and their parents. For me, helping out is all part of being a family. It's all part of the give and take of family life.'
