Q. A mum is angry that we took a photo of her son wearing a dress from the role-play area. She has requested that we do not allow him to take part in any ‘girls’ activities. How can we address this?
Luke Page, executive head teacher, Triangle Nursery School
‘We have had similar situations. Our response has been to explain that we encourage all types of play to support development.
‘Initially, we would meet the parent face-to-face to discuss this. We would follow this up in the next whole-school newsletter by emphasising the importance of encouraging children’s diverse play. Explain to the parent that the early years curriculum is based on recognising and celebrating similarities and differences. We must ensure children have every opportunity to learn about the world around them – different families, cultures and traditions.
‘Role play encourages and enables children to imitate. This is how children try to make sense of real life. Explain that boys, as all children, act out skills they will need as adults. Many will become dads one day, and playing with dolls and babies supports this.
‘You may also want to ask them why they are concerned. As adults, often our interpretation of what children are doing is very different to what they are actually doing. I have seen many children dress up as puppies, which does not mean they will one day choose to live as dogs.
‘There are other ways your setting can celebrate children’s play in all forms. Do your displays show boys playing with the babies? Are there photographs of girls dressed as construction workers? Also have a wide selection of storybooks promoting tolerance.’
Sarina Kukadia, nursery manager, Bright Little Stars Nursery Watford
‘I have been in this position multiple times. It is very common, although in my experience it tends to be the dads that get flustered.
‘Our ethos is to not genderise any of our toys. We promote girls playing with cars or trucks, and boys with dolls or in the home corner. Everything is free-flow, and this is what we encourage parents to follow.
‘I would suggest having a frank conversation with the parent in private. Try to compare what boys and girls do. Would they mind if their daughter wore “men’s” clothes? Usually the parent will say no, and the comparison helps them understand. Their son does not want to be a girl – if that is what they worry about – they are just being in the moment and playing. They are letting their imagination free, and we would never suppress that.
‘When we have open conversations with parents, they tend to understand. But you have to say to them, for example, there is nothing wrong with your son pushing a doll in a buggy – it is just what they saw their dad do for them. When parents see how calm you are about the situation, they will likely calm down too.
‘However, some parents may insist you encourage the child to play with certain toys. In these situations, we have told them we respect their opinion. But we will never deny a child their choice. As educators we cannot say “no”. If the parent cannot understand this, perhaps the setting is not right for their child.’
Julie Marsden, nursery manager, Babblebrooke Day Nursery
‘The first thing to do is speak to the parent, either in the office or in another quiet room. You should begin by trying to understand their perspective. Maybe take them to the dressing-up area. It is important to understand why they did not want their son to wear a dress.
‘We used to have a boy in our setting who loved to wear our Snow White dress. It was just something different, and importantly, unlike anything he had at home. Try and explain to the parent that children love exploring new things that are different to their home environment. We really want children to feel comfortable exploring new situations.
‘Explain to the parent that the child might want to wear what their friends are wearing, and be able to express themselves. If they want to wrap a bit of fabric around themselves, or a dress, it is just play. If a girl chose to wear suit jackets or boots, how do they feel about that?
‘If the photo has been posted on a nursery social media page or on a display board, and the parents are really unhappy about it, I would take it down. It is important not to break trust with parents, to keep a strong bond and have a good relationship.
‘If after explaining the situation, they still did not want their son to wear a dress, then you have to go along with their personal opinion. Parent partnership is about listening to your parents and taking on board what they want for their child.’
