Simply, narcissism is excessive self-love, self-admiration, selfishness, and arrogance. Everything is about ‘me’ and my wants and needs; the world revolves around me.
This sounds like most children, doesn’t it? After all, it isn’t until about the age of four that children start to truly understand the needs of others. So, narcissism is actually part of child development and not something to worry about. At the same time, it is important not to ignore the traits of self-entitlement, a lack of empathy, or an exaggerated sense of being special and unique. These traits, while normal in children, can develop into adult narcissism if left to their own devices.
NARCISSISTIC TRAITS
The narcissistic phase of childhood development occurs at the age of two and continues until age three or four. It is during this phase when the child develops an ego and a sense of ‘I’. This is when the child starts saying ‘mine’ or ‘me’ with authority. Indeed, children must develop this sense of self before they reach the state of ‘we’ and understand that other people also need to be considered. It is the role of parents and practitioners to support children to transition from ‘I’ to ‘we.’
- Some typical behavioural symptoms seen in children with narcissistic traits are:
- They consider themselves superior to others.
- They are self-centred and attention-seeking.
- They are easily hurt.
- They want others to treat them as special.
- They are arrogant.
- They cannot empathise with the feelings of others.
UNDERLYING CAUSES
If children aren’t supported through this natural developmental stage, their narcissistic traits can develop into a personality disorder and cause difficulties in later life. These difficulties can include any of the following:
- Inability to sustain relationships.
- Inability to trust others.
- Excessive anger.
- Treating others as objects and not people.
- Indulging in substance abuse.
- Irresponsibility regarding finances.
Several causes can be attributed to the development of narcissistic personality disorder, and those related to a child’s upbringing include:
- Raising a child in a highly pampered environment or over-valuing them and entitling them to special treatment.
- Expecting high standards from children regardless of their actual ability.
- Neglecting children by not showing them consistent love or affection.
- Exposure to emotional or physical trauma.
Children’s early interactions with their parents and caregivers have a crucial effect on the developing personality of the child, including whether they move through the narcissistic phase successfully.
HOW CAN A PSYCHOLOGIST HELP?
A psychologist can recognise narcissistic traits by around age four or five, when children start to understand the needs of those around them. However, to diagnose with certainty, it is advisable to wait until the child reaches seven years of age, or older, by which time these tendencies should no longer be apparent in the average child. A psychologist can work with parents, caregivers and children to help foster and nurture the following core non-narcissistic traits.
Working with parents and caregivers
Empathy Caregivers, including early years practitioners, can model behaviours that show the importance of thinking about others’ feelings.
Responsibility Children with narcissistic traits do not take responsibility for their actions, so need to be taught that they are accountable for their behaviour.
Moral values When children misbehave, their errors should immediately be explained to them. Equally, they deserve to be shown appreciation for engaging in favourable behaviour.
Realistic expectations It is important not to overwhelm children with unrealistic expectations; accept them for who they are.
Minimise entitlement Minimise gift-giving for the sake of gift-giving.
Self-efficiency Pay special attention to the needs that children cannot fulfil themselves, but that are necessary for their mental and physical well-being. However, being at their beck and call could create a false sense of entitlement, preventing the development of self-sufficiency.
Consistency There needs to be consistency in what is treated as ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, to avoid confusion.
Love Avoid performance-based love as it fosters narcissistic traits by teaching children that they must achieve a goal before they can receive praise and love. Show children they are loved for who they are.
Discipline Discipline fairly and immediately so children know exactly what they are being disciplined for.
Be specific When praising children, point out exactly what you are praising them for. For example, instead of saying ‘Well done’, say, ‘You are so good; you shared with your brother.’
Don’t over-generalise Avoid using terms like ‘always’ or ‘never.’ Instead of saying, ‘You always do a good job’, say, ‘You did well by finishing off your vegetables today.’ This helps to anchor the praise in the present and compliments the child’s current efforts.
Praise sparingly but meaningfully Directed praise is good for building a child’s self-esteem. However, excessive praise could create the expectation of compliments for every effort. Also, the more you use praise, the less effective it will be.
Contribution Expect your child to make a meaningful contribution to the family by taking on a regular responsibility, such as setting the table.
Working with children
Setting realistic goals Children can be taught to set realistic goals.
Resolving negative feelings One of the main causes of narcissism is insecurity, so many psychologists help children recognise negative feelings about themselves, giving them the opportunity to talk about and challenge these feelings.
Group work This provides children with an environment to be exposed to children like themselves, as well as a platform for learning about the impact of their own behaviour on others.
Taking responsibility Children can be taught to detach from their emotions and observe themselves objectively, such as taking responsibility for their outbursts and accepting the consequences, rather than blaming others.
Understanding others’ emotions Children can be taught to identify and understand others’ emotional states through emotional recognition tasks and games that place them in another child’s shoes.
HOW EARLY YEARS PRACTITIONERS CAN HELP
Sometimes parents are oblivious to narcissistic tendencies in their child, so it is imperative that early years practitioners recognise these traits early, between the ages of four and five years, and start to address them.
If the traits are so strong that they are causing problems within nursery or school, a meeting may need to be held with parents. Here, practitioners can enquire about the child’s behaviour at home, and check whether it is similar to their behaviour at nursery/school.
If the behaviour is situational (that is, it occurs when the child is bullied or verbally provoked), it might have something to do with the circumstances rather than the personality of the child. In such cases, it is important to identify the triggers leading to the child’s behaviour, and impart skills to the child that will help them deal with such situations.
In most cases, input from a psychologist won’t be necessary, but if the narcissistic traits are entrenched and not shifting despite support and encouragement, then seeking expert advice and intervention is nothing to be ashamed of. Parents can then share the findings and advice of such meetings with early years practitioners to ensure the child receives consistent treatment both inside and outside nursery/school.
It is crucial to intervene early to assist children in living happy and productive lives. Waiting too long to seek expert input may result in the child being less co-operative during treatment. The stronger the narcissistic traits become, the more resistant the child will be to change. After all, by its very nature, narcissists will believe something is wrong with others, rather than themselves.
Furthermore, once a child’s behaviours and patterns have been set, they will be more reluctant to open up to a professional, and deny the presence of any problem. Remember that these children lack trust in others.
DON’T LABEL, DON’T IGNORE
All children have narcissistic traits, but whether these traits are a phase or a personality characteristic can depend on how childhood experiences are navigated by both the child and their caregivers.
While it is important not to label a self-entitled child as ‘narcissistic’, it is equally important not to view such personality traits as simply part of the modern era.
Children aren’t born knowing the socially acceptable and healthy modes of being, but need assistance from those who have their best interests at heart: parents and early years practitioners.
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